I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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