I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
