I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
