Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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