my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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