I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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