Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
