I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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