WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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