so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
