Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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