I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
