Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
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Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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