WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
