when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
