what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
