last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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