seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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