My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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