I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
