You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
