Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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