Four minutes until I can fart!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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