There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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