He had one of those small greek statue penises
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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