I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
