Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
