I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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