wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
