We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
