dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
