Old men and throwing up are my life now.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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