I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
