I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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