I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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