honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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