alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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