i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
