Sry I called you an 8
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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