fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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