I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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