You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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