I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
