yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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