I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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