Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
