I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
