I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
