I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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