there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
