We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
