If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
