Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
