Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
