You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
