just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Someone signed my nipple.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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