You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
