look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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